Doesn't really work for me either.

It feels a bit like 'click, click, click, woosh, woosh' haven't read anything, didn't look at anything.

Now I might not be your target audience and that is fine, but I wonder if you asked yourself these questions:

Who are you targeting?And what do you want from them?

You say : "The goal of my resume was to differentiate myself from abundance of that simple & minimal look"

But what if that is what works? If those people manage to convert visitors in to paying clients, or leave a potential hiring manager with a good impression, that what do they/you care that they are all the same? They are the same, because the problem they are solving is the same.

(after I visited your site for the second time, and hit the escape key as suggested in the comments, the site actually made a lot more sense and worked more pleasantly)